April 16th 2012: [Bonus]
I met a real American Indian today or to be politically correct…. A Casino-American
April 16th 2012: [Bonus]
I met a real American Indian today or to be politically correct…. A Casino-American
April 16th 2012: Nervous today, i’m Adopting a Highway from a surrogate asphalt worker. Do British detectives go over everything w a crooked tooth comb? Sad, an aquaphobia cruise to the New Mexico Riviera sank after hitting a patch of iceberg lettuce.
April 13th 2012: [Bonus]
As a baseball catcher, the toughest pitch to catch wasn’t the spitball or the knuckleball... It was the melon ball.
Be wary of a boa constrictor that says “group hug”.
A terrorist attack was foiled today by a blimp air marshal when a suicide bomber tried to drive his Dodge Dart into a Blimp
Me: I detect an accent, where are you from? Lady: Europe, in the middle of Turkey. Me: Butterball?
Tonight’s my weekly sponge bath… That is, my pet sea sponge Wringo!
Every time I see 'headshots' advertised on craigslist I duck. I guess I’m just sniper sensitive!
While taking a gander at the Farmer’s market produce, i heard someone yell, “Stop, that man! He just stole my gander!”
April 13th 2012: Angry? I got an LOL… from a mime friend! Kidding, I don’t have any mime friends. Bad HMO? Instead of laffing gas, my dentist gave me Laffy taffy. A hoarder with the bumper sticker, ‘Save the Whales’ makes me nervous.
April 12th 2012: [Bonus]
I just took a stroll by the Hollywood Boulevard celebrity characters… which Disney Princess is transgender again?
Chinese cookies now offering adhesive fortunes to double as clown car bumper stickers
Hey, why didn’t farmers grow corn balls instead of cobs so we could eat corn like an IBM Selectric…
Assuming Twitter profile pictures are inaccurate I just got back from meeting a giant egg at Starbucks... giant something on my face!
Snooky’s opening a petting zoo... no animals… just her
April 12th 2012: Damn toaster oven… my toaster doesn’t even fit inside it! Is it true? William Shatner is now performing magic & making things disappears into fat air? Whew! Sock puppets are so hard to work with… wish I was born w a moveable toe.
April 11th 2012: [Bonus]
My goal is to always knock your socks off… 1 night I was on fire & actually knocked a patron’s prosthetic leg off!
Historical fact, Labs were filthy until Evangelista Torricelli produced the first laboratory vacuum in 1643…
Whooeee! New record… just cooked some rice in 52 second! Booyah Minute Rice!
April 11th 2012: My opinion of the glass ceiling is you shouldn’t juggle stones. But I’m all for a roof party with a bunch of skirts! [See what I did there?!] Dabnabbit! I thot ordering Octopi meant getting 5 delicious pies. [Sigh] & finally, in your face Spell Chuck.
April 10th 2012: [More Bonus]
During the summer, I work the Bungee jump up in Downey.
My close up coin magic routine using silver dollar pancakes is the most mesmerizing when i'm hungry.
Played softball against the Global Warming Coalition. Their trash talking was very weak, 'Renewable Energy! Wind Turbine! Solar Power!'
April 10th 2012: [Bonus]
Feed the birds, feed the birds… Muppets, Muppets, Muppets all day…
Dammit! My best friend ran off WITHOUT my wife . . . kidding
Next week I’m performing for the “Elevator to China” Benefit… they're asking everyone to really dig deep.
Wal-Mart is having a huge pants sale Saturday… someone better call Michael Moore!