I have struggled a lifetime trying to get rid of bad tapes, memories of my parents fighting and a cop who raped me when I was 19. I drank for 20 years after that and never remembered until I did a first step for recovery. Writing the incidents of what occurred while in my drinking... There it was as clear as that day. The cop and what he did to me and the flash of his gun in my head....because I wanted to kill him... but only for one second in my head I thought... he was not worth me going to prison for the rest of my life for that bastard, to be very honest about it. I am so glad that I did not react on my thought because I would not be here today. I still go to counseling because when I saw I could bury something as devastating as that for 20 years not remembering it at all....what else could have been stuck inside me.