Saturday Morning. I had no idea when I first started this Blog that it would go on and on. I should be done by now, into other things. When one "gets cancer" the process is not really explained. Oh, they offer Chemo, six or eight or 12 or more treatments and they offer literature about possible side effects but you don't really understand what all this does until it happens to you. The Chemo can kill the cancer but does a lot of collateral damage along the way! Think of it as stages, the first one being the "killing stage" where cancer cells are being destroyed along with nerve cells, muscles, tastebuds and lots more with the precision and accuracy of dynamite! I survived that and now I am in "stage two" where one gets to assess the battle field damage. There is a lot of collateral damage and the doctors cheerfully tell me that this is "normal"! So, now I am in this next, "healing stage", another process that takes time and comes in little tiny increments when I am ready for the leaps and bounds! I am force feeding myself now, trying my best to get 1500 calories and can't even imagine there was a time when I ate three meals a day! Really, I am looking forward to the day when I can eat a "Big Mac" and enjoy it.

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Friday today and I don't believe how much I slept last night! I went to be at about 4:30 pm, tired and done for the day. I awoke this morning at 6:30 am, that's 14 hours!!! probably a record. At any rate I feel pretty good! That is to say my hands still throb, feel as if I washed them in acid and used sandpaper to dry them, all pretty normal now. Food is the issue now and it is a real struggle. Today I am going to attempt a bacon tomato lettuce sandwich, probably my favorite! Regretfully it will be with a store bought tomato as mine are doing much. I will love the idea of it but don't know if I can actually eat it! I have very little sense of taste, most things being like cardboard in my mouth. My body says "spit it out or die" literally. This has become my latest battle! Funny, huh? I survived the cancer, I survived the chemo and now I a starving myself to death! Fifty pounds and the doctor is going to be pissed off if I lose two more!

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Wednesday today. I probably look as bad as I feel. For someone who has always been "on stage" and performing, making my customers happy this is quite a shock! I lost a little table job the other day. It involved a 20 pound piece of marble the custoer wanted a stand made for. Something I have done hundreds of times in the past! 20 pounds! I couldn't get it out of her car!!! I have never felt so fragile and pathetic. Beginning today, on a small scale, I will start an excersize program, and maybe find my appetite that way?

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Tuesday, August 3rd and I am still alive! All blood counts are good, white cells, red cells, all good! What is bad is I lost another 12 pounds! 50 pounds total!!! 227 when I begqan and 177, my weight in college, now! This would be great it it were all fat that I was losing, but it is muscle mass that I have lost and now my doctor is worried! Great, I survived the cancer and the dreaded chemo and now I will shrink into nothingness! Everything I attempt to eat tastes of cardboard and poison! My hands will hurt for some time to come, so I get vicodin for that. I have another dr. appointment in 3 weeks and he will test the heck out of me if my appetite hasn't returned! that is incentive for me!

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Wednesday today and yesterday was "chemo day" except I am done with chemo! This should mean that my good white cell count is up to close to what it should be and this should mean that as of today in little tiny increments I will be getting better! It was just two weeks ago that they discover that I had blood clots causing the horrible swelling and pain in my right arm/hand and every single finger! I was so happy to be off chemo, to think that I am at the end of this battle as the nurse was telling me about my bloodclots, she said. "you seem to be OK with this!" Well, I thought I was off this frieght train and anything would be easier than that! Now I don't even know what I am up against? I am thinking that this entire experience is financed through the sale of chemo- voodoo drugs. At almost four thousand dollars per session, money is available for the two minute visit with the doctor, and the helpful chatter with the nurses while actually getting the chemo. When chemo is finished I think the money dries up! I won't see my doctor until August 3rd and that will be a month between my 2 minute visits! This would be great if it weren't for the constant pain and I can't button my shirt nor pick up a paint brush! I have no appetite, still living on Ensure, icecream and tappiocca pudding! This is the problem with dealing with statistics. I am thinking that statisticaly "I am fine" it is in reality that I am pretty miserable. How much funner can this get?

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