Elon Musk touched down on Mars expecting a heroic “conquistador moment,” probably rehearsing a speech about destiny and innovation to an audience of grateful Martians. Instead, they squinted at him like he’d just clanked in riding a dented tin can from a shithole planet and asked if he was lost. The Martians exchanged a few looks and made it clear—they don’t tolerate illegal aliens on Mars, especially the kind that show up uninvited and start talking about “ownership.” His grand colony pitch was translated, without a hint of diplomacy, as “solar system trash attempting to squat.” Within hours, he was processed, tagged, and firmly informed that Mars had standards. Now he’s being deported—past Earth entirely—on a one-way flight to Venus, where he’ll finally achieve something remarkable: becoming the first billionaire instantly converted into a cautionary vapor cloud.